I digress
Today I'm meeting my daughter so she can re-teach this old dog a new trick. She is a NASM certified personal trainer, and she loves what she does. It's written all over her beautiful smile and her enthusiasm for helping other people improve their lives through a healthier lifestyle. I see something I want. When you see something you want in others, you figure out pretty quickly that you have to do what others do in order to have it, even when it isn't comfortable and you don't like doing it.
So, I will begin today and will no longer be dabbling, God willing. I want to be healthier, leaner, stronger, more flexible and have more energy. I want to fit into smaller clothes, not gonna lie.
An old and dear friend from our younger years decided to do the same a couple years ago. We had lost touch so I wasn't around to see the transformation, but only caught up with her after the fact. On her one year anniversary, she wrote on her Facebook about where she had been and how far she had come. There were a lot of congratulations and way-to-go comments. There were also a couple of requests to show the "before" photos we often see in the "transformation" community. She avoided those comments and didn't post any before photos. She only mentioned how much weight she had dropped as a result of her hard work and dedication. I messaged her privately and asked whether she would be posting the requested before photos because I would love the encouragement and good example of what was possible. The amount of weight that she lost is pretty close to the amount I needed to lose from the point where I was at that time - 80 pounds. That's a pretty big number. Her response? "Absolutely not. That person is dead and gone and there's no way I'm going back there or posting what that person looked like." It struck me rather cold when I read her words. I totally understand not wanting to post the photos. It was the comment - that person is dead and gone. Really? That's not how I'd like to see it when I am successful in this endeavor. That kind of comment makes me think of someone who hated the person they were when they were heavy and that this made them a better person. I don't think losing weight or changing your body in any other way makes you a better or worse person. I think it's the heart that changes a person.
I often think about and write about the importance of balance in our lives. Balance is learning to love ourselves just the way we are, right where we are regardless of how pretty, thin, heavy, young, old, educated, wealthy - you know the list - we deal with it our whole lives - and recognize that making healthy changes doesn't necessarily make us better people, it makes us healthier people.
As I continue to meet my goals in this area of my life, I will acknowledge that I chose to make changes for good and that person is not dead, but rather is coming to life more and more every step of the way.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
More...
A few days have passed. My attitude is a bit better and I have had a some time to think about those ideas. Mostly I wanted to come back here and add some very important notes to my thoughts. All that being said - all that from my previous post - I am thankful to say that although I don't have the kinds of friendships I used to have with other women, the friendships I do have are absolutely, without a doubt, wonderful. As it turns out, the women in my own family really are the best of friends. I have a sister-in-law that I long to spend more time with - geography - it matters. I have grown daughters who I adore, and we enjoy dates together sometimes although not as often as any of us would like. This is friendship that binds us even beyond the family ties.
Interestingly, looking back over the year or two, I recognized a theme that has surfaced several times and from several sources. How often are we encouraged to start right where we are in developing and nurturing friendships? The idea of being a "good neighbor" has been brought to the forefront of my mind. I mean right here in my own neighborhood, you know, where I physically live. It's not a metaphor for the world of "neighbors". I mean the street and block where I make a house a home with my family. We have just shy of 200 homes in our suburban neighborhood and I know very few of my neighbors despite the fact that we have lived here for nearly 14 years now. That's really sad if you think about it. But I bet I'm not the only one.
We are a retired military family and this is NOT how it has always been. We spent 20 years moving every couple of years and I learned early on that if I wanted to enjoy my time at the place we were I needed to settle pretty quickly and waste no time being bashful about introducing myself and getting to know my neighbors. When we first moved into this neighborhood it was a bit like that. There was a lot of military families, and although it was not base housing, most of us still had the mindset of getting to know our neighbors and spending time with them in the backyard, or as in our case more often than not the front yard. We had back-yard-bbqs, block parties, bunco and neighbors who felt free to visit in their pj's, cup of coffee in hand and ask for sugar. Ask my brother, he'll tell you about the one who surprised him one morning during his visit :-) We even have a social media group to communicate in the community and it was great... until it wasn't. People moved out, others moved in and people just got cranky and sometimes outright mean. Things started to fall apart in the neighborhood. I don't do well with conflict and we had our own stuff happening (2009), so I crawled under that rock I mentioned.
It's 2016 - seven years later. I don't live under a rock any more, but I still live in a self-imposed isolation.
Interestingly, looking back over the year or two, I recognized a theme that has surfaced several times and from several sources. How often are we encouraged to start right where we are in developing and nurturing friendships? The idea of being a "good neighbor" has been brought to the forefront of my mind. I mean right here in my own neighborhood, you know, where I physically live. It's not a metaphor for the world of "neighbors". I mean the street and block where I make a house a home with my family. We have just shy of 200 homes in our suburban neighborhood and I know very few of my neighbors despite the fact that we have lived here for nearly 14 years now. That's really sad if you think about it. But I bet I'm not the only one.
We are a retired military family and this is NOT how it has always been. We spent 20 years moving every couple of years and I learned early on that if I wanted to enjoy my time at the place we were I needed to settle pretty quickly and waste no time being bashful about introducing myself and getting to know my neighbors. When we first moved into this neighborhood it was a bit like that. There was a lot of military families, and although it was not base housing, most of us still had the mindset of getting to know our neighbors and spending time with them in the backyard, or as in our case more often than not the front yard. We had back-yard-bbqs, block parties, bunco and neighbors who felt free to visit in their pj's, cup of coffee in hand and ask for sugar. Ask my brother, he'll tell you about the one who surprised him one morning during his visit :-) We even have a social media group to communicate in the community and it was great... until it wasn't. People moved out, others moved in and people just got cranky and sometimes outright mean. Things started to fall apart in the neighborhood. I don't do well with conflict and we had our own stuff happening (2009), so I crawled under that rock I mentioned.
It's 2016 - seven years later. I don't live under a rock any more, but I still live in a self-imposed isolation.
Friday, March 18, 2016
Is it just me?
Really, is it just me or has life as we used to know it just a few short years ago changed an awfully lot? I know it has changed for me, but how do I know if it has changed for others as well? Clearly, social media is changing the way we interact, if we interact at all. But has there been a shift in the nature of friendship over all?
Two years ago this upcoming May, I ended a friendship that had meant so much to me. When I say I ended it, I mean I actually intentionally ended it - like I "broke up" with my best (*girl) friend. (*I say that because I want to be clear that my sweet husband is actually my very best friend; always has been, always will be...). I didn't plan it when it happened, but I can't say that I didn't see it coming for months before hand. That friendship has a wonderful collection of good memories, but in the end the difficulties far out-weighed the good, at least at that time. To be honest, I have to admit that in hind-sight I could have handled it much differently, much better. And there are a growing number of days that I wish I had done it differently. I wish I had known years ago what I've only been learning these past couple years. Things I've been learning about myself and my own failings and weaknesses. If I had been a better friend, I might have had a better friend. Since that time I have not experienced friendship the way I had always known it.
In the past, there was always a built-in reason and opportunities for friendships; La Leche League, Military Catholic Women, Military Family Support Groups, Home-school Support Groups, Bunco groups, Youth Groups, a myriad of volunteer activities, etc... I often say I haven't worked outside the home since I became pregnant with our second daughter, but that's not at all true when you take into consideration that I probably spent a good forty hours a week working on volunteer stuff. Then 2009 happened (that's another story) and I pretty much crawled under a rock and stayed there for an extended amount of time. When I emerged a different person, the world as I knew it had changed. I'm certain it was only my perspective that had actually changed, but what does that matter when it becomes my reality? I isolated and stopped trusting people outside of my immediate circle. I had to learn how to interact with other people in a whole new way and that takes an unbelievably large amount of energy (physical, emotional and spiritual energy), time and effort. I became very selective about who I spent time with - sometimes you have to change play grounds if you know what I mean. And sometimes you have to change playmates as well. I guess that's really what I did. I had to change play-mates, because the relationship had just simply become so unhealthy. I claim a good chunk of responsibility for that because I had zero boundaries. I had never even heard the term. I was a picture-perfect caretaker, people-pleaser, stuffer-of-everything-that-makes-me-die-inside-one-little-piece-at-a-time person. I was dishonest with others and myself (I liked to call it "candy-coating" but it was really just dishonesty). I'm not anymore, but I still don't have those friendships.
I shrink away from opportunities that might lead to deep friendships with other women. There have been days when I cried out to God how lonely I feel. But then a whisper comes to encourage me - I may be lonely, but I am not alone. I am reminded of the months I felt like I was walking alone with Jesus in the desert, times when he surely must have been carrying me, because the depression was so dark and desperate that I couldn't have walked it on my own. Sometimes there are lessons to be learned that require fewer distractions. I am no longer under the weight of depression, but I do sense that I am steeped in learning how to live well, still, even after all these years. Most days that's okay with me, other days I wonder if it will last forever. Is this the new normal?
Is this the new normal for others? Have women just stopped spending time together? Have phone calls and coffee meet-ups been replaced by a text messages and Facebook feeds? I used to spend hours chatting on the phone with friends for no reason other than keeping up with each other, to laugh together, to encourage each other through difficult times and celebrate good things, to offer a meal or a ride or whatever help they might need. I enjoyed getting together to share a cup of coffee or a meal together. That is happening less and less (and less) often and I really just can't tell if it's just me or if it's just life.
More to come...
Two years ago this upcoming May, I ended a friendship that had meant so much to me. When I say I ended it, I mean I actually intentionally ended it - like I "broke up" with my best (*girl) friend. (*I say that because I want to be clear that my sweet husband is actually my very best friend; always has been, always will be...). I didn't plan it when it happened, but I can't say that I didn't see it coming for months before hand. That friendship has a wonderful collection of good memories, but in the end the difficulties far out-weighed the good, at least at that time. To be honest, I have to admit that in hind-sight I could have handled it much differently, much better. And there are a growing number of days that I wish I had done it differently. I wish I had known years ago what I've only been learning these past couple years. Things I've been learning about myself and my own failings and weaknesses. If I had been a better friend, I might have had a better friend. Since that time I have not experienced friendship the way I had always known it.
In the past, there was always a built-in reason and opportunities for friendships; La Leche League, Military Catholic Women, Military Family Support Groups, Home-school Support Groups, Bunco groups, Youth Groups, a myriad of volunteer activities, etc... I often say I haven't worked outside the home since I became pregnant with our second daughter, but that's not at all true when you take into consideration that I probably spent a good forty hours a week working on volunteer stuff. Then 2009 happened (that's another story) and I pretty much crawled under a rock and stayed there for an extended amount of time. When I emerged a different person, the world as I knew it had changed. I'm certain it was only my perspective that had actually changed, but what does that matter when it becomes my reality? I isolated and stopped trusting people outside of my immediate circle. I had to learn how to interact with other people in a whole new way and that takes an unbelievably large amount of energy (physical, emotional and spiritual energy), time and effort. I became very selective about who I spent time with - sometimes you have to change play grounds if you know what I mean. And sometimes you have to change playmates as well. I guess that's really what I did. I had to change play-mates, because the relationship had just simply become so unhealthy. I claim a good chunk of responsibility for that because I had zero boundaries. I had never even heard the term. I was a picture-perfect caretaker, people-pleaser, stuffer-of-everything-that-makes-me-die-inside-one-little-piece-at-a-time person. I was dishonest with others and myself (I liked to call it "candy-coating" but it was really just dishonesty). I'm not anymore, but I still don't have those friendships.
I shrink away from opportunities that might lead to deep friendships with other women. There have been days when I cried out to God how lonely I feel. But then a whisper comes to encourage me - I may be lonely, but I am not alone. I am reminded of the months I felt like I was walking alone with Jesus in the desert, times when he surely must have been carrying me, because the depression was so dark and desperate that I couldn't have walked it on my own. Sometimes there are lessons to be learned that require fewer distractions. I am no longer under the weight of depression, but I do sense that I am steeped in learning how to live well, still, even after all these years. Most days that's okay with me, other days I wonder if it will last forever. Is this the new normal?
Is this the new normal for others? Have women just stopped spending time together? Have phone calls and coffee meet-ups been replaced by a text messages and Facebook feeds? I used to spend hours chatting on the phone with friends for no reason other than keeping up with each other, to laugh together, to encourage each other through difficult times and celebrate good things, to offer a meal or a ride or whatever help they might need. I enjoyed getting together to share a cup of coffee or a meal together. That is happening less and less (and less) often and I really just can't tell if it's just me or if it's just life.
More to come...
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Joy Unspeakable
"You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls."
1 Peter 1:8-9
This - when you can't explain to another the experience you have that gets you hooked on Jesus. When you know that you know... but can't explain it in terms that someone who doesn't know will understand. When the educated and intellectual try to explain away the faith we have been given - this.
"And if someone asks about your hope as a believer, always be ready to explain it."
1 Peter 3:15
How do you express the inexpressible? Joy surely must be part of the light of Christ that shines brightly through our brokenness. Cling to your joy my friends. It is the thread that holds your explanation together for others to see.
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Just do the next right thing
I can often be heard speaking this phrase. What does that look like?
In my life, that could be seen on days when I wake up with what I affectionately refer to as brain fog. You know the mornings when I wake up with no clear purpose or direction for the day. Or perhaps so many directions and things on my "to-do" list that I'm overwhelmed and paralyzed. If I've started the day out with God first thing in the morning, I find peace even if I still don't have a clear view of the day ahead. If I've failed to do that it takes a little longer. I've learned through that catch phrase to stop trying to figure out the whole picture. Focus on just the next thing, but make it the next right thing, meaning don't abandon my post and sit around feeling sorry for myself or stirring any obsessions. Just do the next right thing. One of my favorite readings in al-anon was, "Trust God, call your sponsor and do the dishes.". It's that simple. And it works.
Another thing I've read that seems to encourage the same idea is "just enough light for the step I'm on.". I don't need to see the top of the stairs to take the next step. I'm not privy to the next step.
"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."
Matthew 6:34 NLT
The same could be said for the next hour. Letting go of the illusion of control requires trust and God wants us to trust Him - for everything. So I guess you could say that doing the next right thing is an exercise in learning to trust God.
Ready for some exercise - and some peace?
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