Reset!

My cell phone drives me nuts every single day. Each morning I wake to discover that at some point in the night it has reset to a default setting and gone off Wi-Fi and the blue tooth turns off and more often than not the data is off.  This is a frustrating thing that can quickly become a source of a bad attitude for the rest of the day - or until I go to the settings and do what needs to be done to get connected properly and to get information flowing.  You can probably see where I'm going here.  

Surrendering to God is not a once and you're done kind of thing.  It's just not.  Every time we wake up from our rest, be it morning, noon or night - we have reverted to our default setting (without ever meaning to...).  And guess what?  Lately I've noticed that my phone has developed a mind of its own and it goes back to the default setting randomly throughout the day.  Some days it reverts to the default while I'm still actively using an application.  It slows down, won't go online and deliver that instant gratification that I am so addicted to, it won't send a text, receive a text - simply stated, it just doesn't serve the purpose for which it was created.  And you know, when my attitude reverts to its default setting - my human nature - I don't serve the purpose for which I was created either.

I’ll bet that you've heard or read many times how important it is to make time early in your day to spend time with God, praying, listening, surrendering...  that is our reset. Resetting our day and our attitude is as simple as a whisper of surrender to God.  It doesn't take a lot of time.  It’s not complicated. It’s not difficult.  It’s a decision.  Just do it.  Even if you have to do it a lot.  Just do it!  You won't regret it.  Promise.

Grace poured out and overflowing

I love the example that our pastor once used to describe how grace works in our lives.  He placed a small empty bowl inside of a larger empty bowl.  Then he took a pitcher full of water and poured it into the smaller bowl until it overflowed into the larger bowl.  The water eventually filled both bowls to overflowing.

The smaller bowl symbolizes me, and the larger bowl symbolizes those around me; my family, friends, community…  The water symbolizes grace, poured out for us, into us, around us.  If the water is allowed to fill the smaller bowl it will inevitably overflow into the larger bowl and so on.  This is how grace works.

When I open myself to accept God’s grace, I am emptied more and more of myself and filled with more and more of Him and his grace.  When I am filled, then the overflow can reach others in my life.  Until then, I am simply trying to give to others what I do not possess for myself.  We can only bless others out of the overflow - it is God working through us - it is not our own power, our own grace. Grace doesn't originate with us - we are only instruments that grace can pass through for our benefit and others.  If we are open to grace, it fills us up and overflows as intended, but if we are closed to receiving grace, trying to "do it all" in our own power, it may be poured over us, around us and we may be standing or swimming in grace but we won't be affected by it until we open ourselves up to it and allow it to work in us and through us.  

There's a supernatural power at work when we cooperate with grace flowing through us, it's a strange phenomenon that the more we surrender, the more God can use us.

Faith like potatoes? Or Faith like planners?

Listen, this won’t make sense unless you have a rather strange way of viewing stuff like I do.  If they can name a movie Faith Like Potatoes and somehow have it make sense then maybe I can do it too.

While on my walk today, pondering the never ending struggles of creating and maintaining the perfect planner and daily rhythm, it occurred to me it’s a bit like living a Christian life. Well, not really, but stay with me.  

I have spent a lot of time over the years, and through many seasons of life, trying very hard to create a plan and rhythm in our home.  Sometimes it worked pretty well and many other times it failed miserably, oh so miserably.  Even in this later season of life, I still yearn for a more stable rhythm.  I seek and thrive on consistency and predictability.

When my days don’t go as planned, it is easy to get frustrated and irritable and beat myself up for my inability to stick to it.  Much like when I don’t act very much like a Christian should, I can be pretty disappointed in myself.  When that happens, do I simply throw the towel in and say I’m never going to try to plan for my time, my work?  Do I stop trying to live a life of faith, give up trying to love and serve others and God?  No, of course not.  I recognize and acknowledge my failings, and carry on.

I am a better version of myself when I can accept that I do my best, knowing that I will sometimes fall short of the goal, and hope that I am learning and growing in the process.

Thank God there is always grace...

Enough to make my head pound

Oh yes it is.  9:00 PM and it's past my bedtime.  If you ask me why I'm still in a vertical position, I would not have a good answer for you other than my kids were out to dinner together and I usually tuck the youngest in before bed.  But I think she may tuck me in tonight.

I checked on the She Speaks Conference.  $675!?  Seriously?  Wow, I won't be able to squeeze that figure into our budget any time soon.  It doesn't even include the hotel.  I'm sure it's worth the cost; I just can't swing it at this point.  I guess I'll dive back into the work I was doing with The Right to Write, and maybe some of the others sitting on my desk, beckoning me to take the time to show up at the page.

Too tired to make much sense right now, but I did at least show up at the page :-)

Good night.

Hats, hats and more hats

So many hats and only one head to wear them.  That's what I'm thinking today.  

There are so many hats I want to wear;

Faithful servant #1 priority, of course!

Godly -

wife

mother

grandmother

daughter

sister

aunt

friend

neighbor

gardener

writer

hostess

encourager

reader

home manager

herbalist

cook

blogger

nature lover

bird watcher

walker

helper

wedding planner

teacher

student

historian

organizer

steward

witness

speaker

vacationer

photographer

graphic designer

artist

prayer warrior

promise-keeper

health conscience woman

peace-maker

baker

creative

.......

I (somewhat) recently shared with a friend that I get the sense that to do some of these things well it needs to be "the thing" that I'm doing in my life at that point.  There are, of course, some things on this list that I strive to be at all times.  But others have had a season (or seasons) of being more or less in focus.  That is often not because I lose interest but there simply are too many things I'm interested in to be able to spend time and effort (sometimes money) to fit them into already demanding schedules and exhausting days.  

_______________________________________________________________________________

These past few months, the "hat" I'm focusing on is getting my physical body to a leaner, stronger, healthier state.  It is a journey to be sure.  I've made progress, and I believe the reason I have made progress is because it's the first (other than a brief period about twelve years ago) time I made the choice to make it a serious focus.  I got tired of wishing for it and decided to start working for it.  I had the added benefit of having a daughter with a lot of experience and life lessons about health, nutrition and exercise under her belt from her own struggles. So I hired her as my personal trainer (she is a NASM CPT) and I started doing the "hard things" I was never willing to do before.  I continued to use my FitBit, because it really does motivate you to go the extra mile (or 100 steps).  I got serious about using MyFitnessPal and I made it known what I was doing.  And... wait for it... I made the decision that I was worth the time and effort that it would take to make the changes I wanted and needed to make.  I decided I am worth the investment and I fenced and protected the time and resources I needed to 1) take a daily walk at a local park 2) learn how to feed my body properly 3) purchase the healthier foods and supplements (plus clothes and shoes) I needed to make it happen 4) train with my daughter - strength training - yes, lifting :-)  

And it's working.  I have lost a little over 30 lbs - sometimes losing as little as .4 lbs per week.  I don't allow frustration with slow loss to discourage me.  It is steady and it continues, week after week after week.  I feel better.  Oh my goodness, do I feel better.  I doubt I ever really understood what that extra weight was doing to my poor frame.  I want to grow very old with my sweet husband and I pray that we will have loads and loads of grandchildren to enjoy and spoil.  That picture is much more likely and even more pleasant if I take care of my body properly.  

Our culture is inundated with opinions and quick-fixes for our problem with obesity, but none of it will work until we decide it's time to do something about it and become willing to do what we have to do to change it.

_______________________________________________________________________________

So, some hats really need to be "fixed" on our noggin, and this one certainly is one of those.  The question becomes, how do I try to wear so many hats at the same time?  Were you hoping I had an answer to that question?  Well, I really don't, but I think part of the answer includes - balance.  

Our whole life really is just one big classroom, don't you agree?  We usually are not given the opportunity to study one lesson at a time; it's more likely that the professor gives lessons in many areas at the same time and lets us figure out what's first?  What is the priority?  What can give? How can we be successful in so many lessons?  

Like I said, so many hats and not enough heads :-)

"I" for intentional

This idea is popping up every where I turn.  I am no stranger to the concept. In fact, I often talk about it with my kids and with myself. 

I have become confident that when a theme is placed in my path from various sources and in various ways it's time for me to take a closer look. I'll be pondering this today, this week, and I hope to come back here and share some thoughts about my experience with being "intentional".

I have no excuses

The morning walk

Some interesting thoughts came to the surface while I was enjoying my daily walk in the park.

 First - ants and the universe to describe heaven.  Yes, you read that right.  Don't even ask.  I have to work on that a little to see if its even worth trying to articulate here. 

Second - Souls, when are they created and are there a finite number of them?  I've done just a trickle of research on my thoughts and, as I suspected, they veer off a little toward re-incarnation stuff and I'm not really on board with that. At. All.  But it might make an interesting work of fiction.

Pondering...

On second thought...

My hair is still too short.  But I decided to start loving it.  So now, I'll just wait for it to grow out a bit and I think it will be exactly what I wanted.  It's growing on me, literally and figuratively.

I took a brief stroll in my herb gardens this evening.  Oh my goodness, color me JOY-FILLED!!  How can I possibly consider not growing this year?  Seriously.  It's happening, God willing.  The perennials are already doing so well!  Beautiful winter savory, oregano, lavendar, sage, sweet woodruff and coneflowers in the front bed along with the asiatic lilies and day lilies I planted last year.  They are coming up strong and healthy and self propagating abundantly.

In the back the weeds are really just providing a nice cover for the mints, oregano, thyme and columbines.  I tried a few flowers last year and it looks like they're gonna do well!

I thought perhaps we would dig up the lonely raspberry plant we had left at the end of last season, or at the very least let it die like the other 6-8 did.  And then my neighbor brought down her mother load of raspberry shoots that she dug up.  Health reasons prompted her to simplify and get rid of all her garden.  They've been sitting in the same buckets she hauled them down here in her wagon.  I considered giving them away.  Then I took a walk in the backyard and what did my happy eyes behold?  Raspberry bushes, thriving like they never, ever have in the eight or nine years we've had them there.  Needless to say, we'll be getting those other plants in the ground ASAP.

Gardening is so unpredictable.  Just when you think it's not worth it and are ready to throw in the towel, God gives you a little nudge and says, wait.  Wait.  And then he shows you the possibilities and results of waiting and fills you up with happy and reminds you why you love digging in the dirt and basking in the sunshine.

The weekend forecast looks good and the backyard is beckoning.  How can I resist?  I don't plan to.  There are things to do and the birds are looking for their seed!
 
Ridiculously happy Spring!!!



Susan


 

Short hair and Sabbath

I got my hair cut this morning.  Way shorter than I expected.  Melt down complete.  It will grow out, and all that unhealthy hair is gone. 

I'm pondering Sabbath.  Perhaps I should just give the whole writing idea a rest, a Sabbath.  I wonder what it would be like to just be, and not do.  I wonder what a summer with that kind of existence might look like...

One moment, please

One of my favorite lessons in recovery? A slight change to an old adage:

"Don't just DO something, SIT there!"

Sometimes inaction is much more appropriate and helpful than reacting to something without the benefit of prayer and quiet time just to consider the bigger picture.  Many times things we believe to be problems for us to solve work themselves out given enough time and space.

The answer to a question or request isn't always yes or no, often it is simply "wait".

Susan

Elusive moments

Wrap your head and heart around this...

We are not responsible for anyone else's happiness.

No one else is responsible for our happiness.

Freedom.

The end.

This isn't the more I intended but...

I digress

Today I'm meeting my daughter so she can re-teach this old dog a new trick.  She is a NASM certified personal trainer, and she loves what she does.  It's written all over her beautiful smile and her enthusiasm for helping other people improve their lives through a healthier lifestyle.  I see something I want.  When you see something you want in others, you figure out pretty quickly that you have to do what others do in order to have it, even when it isn't comfortable and you don't like doing it.

So, I will begin today and will no longer be dabbling, God willing.  I want to be healthier, leaner, stronger, more flexible and have more energy.  I want to fit into smaller clothes, not gonna lie.

An old and dear friend from our younger years decided to do the same a couple years ago.  We had lost touch so I wasn't around to see the transformation, but only caught up with her after the fact.  On her one year anniversary, she wrote on her Facebook about where she had been and how far she had come.  There were a lot of congratulations and way-to-go comments.  There were also a couple of requests to show the "before" photos we often see in the "transformation" community.  She avoided those comments and didn't post any before photos.  She only mentioned how much weight she had dropped as a result of her hard work and dedication. I messaged her privately and asked whether she would be posting the requested before photos because I would love the encouragement and good example of what was possible.  The amount of weight that she lost is pretty close to the amount I needed to lose from the point where I was at that time - 80 pounds.  That's a pretty big number.  Her response?  "Absolutely not.  That person is dead and gone and there's no way I'm going back there or posting what that person looked like."  It struck me rather cold when I read her words.  I totally understand not wanting to post the photos.  It was the comment - that person is dead and gone.  Really?  That's not how I'd like to see it when I am successful in this endeavor.  That kind of comment makes me think of someone who hated the person they were when they were heavy and that this made them a better person.  I don't think losing weight or changing your body in any other way makes you a better or worse person.  I think it's the heart that changes a person.

I often think about and write about the importance of balance in our lives. Balance is learning to love ourselves just the way we are, right where we are regardless of how pretty, thin, heavy, young, old, educated, wealthy - you know the list - we deal with it our whole lives - and recognize that making healthy changes doesn't necessarily make us better people, it makes us healthier people.

As I continue to meet my goals in this area of my life, I will acknowledge that I chose to make changes for good and that person is not dead, but rather is coming to life more and more every step of the way.

More...

A few days have passed.  My attitude is a bit better and I have had a some time to think about those ideas.  Mostly I wanted to come back here and add some very important notes to my thoughts.  All that being said - all that from my previous post - I am thankful to say that although I don't have the kinds of friendships I used to have with other women, the friendships I do have are absolutely, without a doubt, wonderful.  As it turns out, the women in my own family really are the best of friends. I have a sister-in-law that I long to spend more time with - geography - it matters.  I have grown daughters who I adore, and we enjoy dates together sometimes although not as often as any of us would like.  This is friendship that binds us even beyond the family ties.

Interestingly, looking back over the year or two, I recognized a theme that has surfaced several times and from several sources.  How often are we encouraged to start right where we are in developing and nurturing friendships?  The idea of being a "good neighbor" has been brought to the forefront of my mind.  I mean right here in my own neighborhood, you know, where I physically live.  It's not a metaphor for the world of "neighbors".  I mean the street and block where I make a house a home with my family.  We have just shy of 200 homes in our suburban neighborhood and I know very few of my neighbors despite the fact that we have lived here for nearly 14 years now.  That's really sad if you think about it.  But I bet I'm not the only one.

We are a retired military family and this is NOT how it has always been.  We spent 20 years moving every couple of years and I learned early on that if I wanted to enjoy my time at the place we were I needed to settle pretty quickly and waste no time being bashful about introducing myself and getting to know my neighbors.  When we first moved into this neighborhood it was a bit like that.  There was a lot of military families, and although it was not base housing, most of us still had the mindset of getting to know our neighbors and spending time with them in the backyard, or as in our case more often than not the front yard.  We had back-yard-bbqs, block parties, bunco and neighbors who felt free to visit in their pj's, cup of coffee in hand and ask for sugar.  Ask my brother, he'll tell you about the one who surprised him one morning during his visit :-)  We even have a social media group to communicate in the community and it was great... until it wasn't.  People moved out, others moved in and people just got cranky and sometimes outright mean.  Things started to fall apart in the neighborhood.  I don't do well with conflict and we had our own stuff happening (2009), so I crawled under that rock I mentioned.

It's 2016 - seven years later.  I don't live under a rock any more, but I still live in a self-imposed isolation.

Is it just me?

Really, is it just me or has life as we used to know it just a few short years ago changed an awfully lot?  I know it has changed for me, but how do I know if it has changed for others as well?  Clearly, social media is changing the way we interact, if we interact at all.  But has there been a shift in the nature of friendship over all?

Two years ago this upcoming May, I ended a friendship that had meant so much to me.  When I say I ended it, I mean I actually intentionally ended it - like I "broke up" with my best (*girl) friend.  (*I say that because I want to be clear that my sweet husband is actually my very best friend; always has been, always will be...).  I didn't plan it when it happened, but I can't say that I didn't see it coming for months before hand.  That friendship has a wonderful collection of good memories, but in the end the difficulties far out-weighed the good, at least at that time.  To be honest, I have to admit that in hind-sight I could have handled it much differently, much better.  And there are a growing number of days that I wish I had done it differently.  I wish I had known years ago what I've only been learning these past couple years.  Things I've been learning about myself and my own failings and weaknesses.  If I had been a better friend, I might have had a better friend.  Since that time I have not experienced friendship the way I had always known it.

In the past, there was always a built-in reason and opportunities for friendships; La Leche League, Military Catholic Women, Military Family Support Groups, Home-school Support Groups, Bunco groups, Youth Groups, a myriad of volunteer activities, etc...  I often say I haven't worked outside the home since I became pregnant with our second daughter, but that's not at all true when you take into consideration that I probably spent a good forty hours a week working on volunteer stuff.  Then 2009 happened (that's another story) and I pretty much crawled under a rock and stayed there for an extended amount of time.  When I emerged a different person, the world as I knew it had changed.  I'm certain it was only my perspective that had actually changed, but what does that matter when it becomes my reality?   I isolated and stopped trusting people outside of my immediate circle. I had to learn how to interact with other people in a whole new way and that takes an unbelievably large amount of energy (physical, emotional and spiritual energy), time and effort.  I became very selective about who I spent time with - sometimes you have to change play grounds if you know what I mean. And sometimes you have to change playmates as well. I guess that's really what I did.  I had to change play-mates, because the relationship had just simply become so unhealthy.  I claim a good chunk of responsibility for that because I had zero boundaries.  I had never even heard the term.  I was a picture-perfect caretaker, people-pleaser, stuffer-of-everything-that-makes-me-die-inside-one-little-piece-at-a-time person. I was dishonest with others and myself (I liked to call it "candy-coating" but it was really just dishonesty).  I'm not anymore, but I still don't have those friendships.

I shrink away from opportunities that might lead to deep friendships with other women. There have been days when I cried out to God how lonely I feel.  But then a whisper comes to encourage me - I may be lonely, but I am not alone.  I am reminded of the months I felt like I was walking alone with Jesus in the desert, times when he surely must have been carrying me, because the depression was so dark and desperate that I couldn't have walked it on my own.  Sometimes there are lessons to be learned that require fewer distractions.  I am no longer under the weight of depression, but I do sense that I am steeped in learning how to live well, still, even after all these years.  Most days that's okay with me, other days I wonder if it will last forever.  Is this the new normal?

Is this the new normal for others?  Have women just stopped spending time together?  Have phone calls and coffee meet-ups been replaced by a text messages and Facebook feeds?  I used to spend hours chatting on the phone with friends for no reason other than keeping up with each other, to laugh together, to encourage each other through difficult times and celebrate good things, to offer a meal or a ride or whatever help they might need.  I enjoyed getting together to share a cup of coffee or a meal together.  That is happening less and less (and less) often and I really just can't tell if it's just me or if it's just life.

More to come...

Joy Unspeakable

"You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls."
1 Peter 1:8-9

This - when you can't explain to another the experience you have that gets you hooked on Jesus.  When you know that you know... but can't explain it in terms that someone who doesn't know will understand.  When the educated and intellectual try to explain away the faith we have been given - this. 

"And if someone asks about your hope as a believer, always be ready to explain it."
1 Peter 3:15

How do you express the inexpressible?  Joy surely must be part of the light of Christ that shines brightly through our brokenness.  Cling to your joy my friends.  It is the thread that holds your explanation together for others to see.

Just do the next right thing

I can often be heard speaking this phrase.  What does that look like?

In my life, that could be seen on days when I wake up with what I affectionately refer to as brain fog.  You know the mornings when I wake up with no clear purpose or direction for the day.  Or perhaps so many directions and things on my "to-do" list that I'm overwhelmed and paralyzed.  If I've started the day out with God first thing in the morning, I find peace even if I still don't have a clear view of the day ahead. If I've failed to do that it takes a little longer.   I've learned through that  catch phrase to stop trying to figure out the whole picture.  Focus on just the next thing, but make it the next right thing, meaning don't abandon my post and sit around feeling sorry for myself or stirring any obsessions.  Just do the next right thing.  One of my favorite readings in al-anon was, "Trust God, call your sponsor and do the dishes.".  It's that simple.  And it works. 

Another thing I've read that seems to encourage the same idea is "just enough light for the step I'm on.". I don't need to see the top of the stairs to take the next step.  I'm not privy to the next step. 

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."
Matthew 6:34 NLT

The same could be said  for the next hour.  Letting go of the illusion of control requires trust and God wants us to trust Him - for everything.  So I guess you could say that doing the next right thing is an exercise in learning to trust God.

Ready for some exercise - and some peace?

That's what it looks like...

Writing what I know, what I've learned in my little world.  That's what I think I'm supposed to do.  That makes sense.  It makes more sense to me than all the other things I've considered my writing should be about.  What does living what I've learned look like?  What does being a Christian look like in the life of a 50-something, stay-at-home-mom of five and grandma to three (and prayerfully more!), former homeschooling, spouse of a military retiree, lover of all things hospitality, - look at that - I could go on and on and on!  By George, I think I've hit on something BIG.  Finally :-)

Susan

I'm not a writer, yet (A perfect example of the rambling that often occurs in my mind...)

That's not a very nice title, (I had to edit my title because I didn't want to offend your good senses). I know  The truth is, there are days when I think there is supposed to be more to my days.  I'm very happy with my life.  I recognize and acknowledge that I am the luckiest person in the world.  I have a wonderful husband, we have a beautiful family and our life is really, really good.  If I ever wondered what life would look like if it is true what scripture says about joy overflowing, I don't wonder any more. My joy does overflow. So, I'm not complaining about my life.  I actually would like to find a venue for sharing parts of my life that I think would be an encouragement to others

[And I am searching for an outlet for the creative energy that builds up inside of me]

Let me be clear, I'd love to be able to share what God has done in my life. That sounds so ridiculously cliche that I often never get past that thought.  But many cliches have become very real to me, they come to life and make sense to me.  There is a reason words strung together in a sentence become "cliche", and it's often because there is truth in them. Wise people have experienced things in their life and then want to share their wisdom with others and because there is so much meaning behind the words, they are often repeated.  They make no sense to us when they are not relevant, but when we get to a place in our own journey, our own life that they make sense to us we do take notice. Suddenly a cliche statement seems to jolt us out of our brain fog.  Sometimes it feels as though they are speaking directly to us in this very moment of our life.  Songs that we’ve heard hundreds of times on the radio or as a movie soundtrack, we suddenly hear something in a different way than ever before and it stakes a claim on our hearts – it names our worry, fear, confusion, joy…  

[see how I digressed here...] Music is a gift of God; it is part of creation.  Music really starts at its origin with the sound of nature - the wind in the trees, crickets chirping, birds singing, water trickling, my favorite – the sounds of tiny shells on the beach as the waves rush over them as they come ashore and then back out again.  Nature’s music allows us to receive, to hear the silent words planted in our minds, music created by man leads our thoughts in a direction – it can be in a favorable direction or not.  Songs always have a message, they always contain a story, what that message is has an effect on our moods, our minds.  The music I like the most always has a positive message, I intentionally stay away from music that doesn’t.  It’s simply not good for me to listen to anything that leads me down dark paths.  Lately I’ve realized that when I am looking for inspiration for writing, I can count on a good song to provide it. 

Squirrel.  I cannot stay focused on a single topic to save my life.  Who wants to read anything I would have to write.

I’m trying to learn about the art of writing.  I get bits and pieces from all kinds of sources.  Many say that part of the problem is just not doing the work.  One source suggests not to “think something up – get something down”.  It’s Julia Cameron who said that.  Diana said, “What you need to decide is what do you want to write and then start. :) “  Yeah, that sounds about right.  I don’t even know what I want to write. Am I a fiction writer?  Am I a devotional writer?  Am I a blogger?  Can I preach, teach, reach?  Who knows!?  What I do know – I am slowly going absolutely crazy!!!  I am a super happy wife to a great husband, who loves me so well I can’t even tell you.  I am mom to a bunch of kids who I cherish more than I could ever express in words or any other way.  I love these people with all my heart.  And I love God.  I know more today than I did ten years ago and I know in my mind and in my heart that I will certainly know more ten years from today than I do today.  I want to always be teachable.  I don’t want to stop growing, to become stagnant.  That would be a terrible waste of life.

So what do I write?  Who am I writing for?  What is my topic, who is my audience?  For what purpose am I trying to write out these words, thoughts?  I don’t even have stories in my head.  I don’t feel inspired in particular and in the brief allusive moments that I do feel inspired I can’t get it written down anywhere before it simply slips out of my mind like so much sands slipping through my fingers. 

Anyone who is not illiterate can write.  Why do I think I have anything to offer?  There are way smarter people out there saying the same things I think most of the time and they say it much more eloquently.  Why do I think I have anything to offer?  What do I think I have to offer?  I don’t.  That’s the problem.  It doesn’t leave me alone though.  Maybe I should squash it like a nasty little stink bug. Find your flippin’ voice, Susan.  Are you afraid of your voice? 

I give up. Maybe. I don't know.  I need help.

Susan

The lesson continues...

Looking back on the last few days, I've learned a lot.  I am simply reminded that I love my life, I love my husband who is, indeed, my best friend.  This isn't the first lesson in this subject, it was just a refresher course.

Rest and have peace knowing that God has my very best interest at heart.  He provides all my needs, including whatever relationships He feels I need.  And while He's at it, He protects me from those that I don't.  He mostly protects me from myself.

Learning to have peace in my soul while my mind wrestles with all things of this life takes constant surrender.  I'm thankful for having learned this and the reminder to practice it daily.

The power we've given other people to injure us.

We isolate because we are attempting to insulate ourselves from being hurt by the thoughtlessness or sometimes even intentional words of others.  Hypocrisy.  I could have that conversation with someone I've developed a friendship with - but not if I haven't taken the time to build some bridges of trust.  So the question is, do I invite and initiate friendships in order to develop safe avenues for those types of conversations or do I continue to isolate and hope I never experience pain from others' words or the assumed meanings I see behind them?

Pondering this today...
Susan

Don't blink, you might miss it

Hey, did you see that?  It's Valentine's Day.  My husband and I have been married for going on 32 years.  This was the 34th time we have shared Valentine's together. I could have asked for flowers, chocolates or even jewelry when he asked me what I'd like, but I told him I didn't need or want a single thing.  I have everything I could ever want.  And that is true, but...  what I ended up receiving was something so very priceless.  Despite some nasty February weather and treacherous roads, all but one of our children showed up at church today.  And then they found their way to our home and enjoyed some time together which is becoming more and more rare these days. It was spontaneous, stress free and heart-warming.  The best gift I could have received. 

I love it when I look around and realize, wow, God just did that.  Thank you, Father.

Susan

Transitions, here we go...

It's early, and I'm dealing with a head cold today.  That always slows me down.  It also serves up a good portion of compassion in me for my family members, because they seem to suffer from this way more often than I do.  The silver lining in feeling like crud. :-)

To be honest, I'm not really sure what I'll be writing here.  I've been wrestling with myself, not able to understand the reason or the direction for writing at all.  What I do know is that every time I go through periods of thinking about writing, talking about writing, praying about writing it always seems to end up in a standoff, and I am left feeling more confused and frustrated every time.  I walk away and get busy doing the other things I know for sure are my given tasks and try to put the whole writing thing on the back burner or take it off the radar altogether.  Clearly, it doesn't stay off the radar.  And since I've prayed so much about it and asked for help surrendering it, I'm leaning toward it not being a tool of the enemy - I would surely hope that I would never write anything that would advance his cause rather than be used by my Good Father to advance His. This week I remembered that, when it comes to doing what we feel God is directing us to do it, is our responsibility to respond by doing our part, and then letting go and letting God do with it what He will.

One of the things I frequently get hung up on when I try to step forward in this is the aesthetics of the place where it will rest, namely a blog.  I've spent hours and hours and a lot of frustration just trying to get a blog template set up with the write colors, the perfect title that will capture all of what I envision it will become and trying to figure out how much of myself and my family I will share here. The question of how to be honest and genuine in my writing without exposing an uncomfortable or unsafe amount of information about my family is one I take seriously.

{This is one of those moments when I realize there is a parallel and a lesson to be learned in my behavior as a wannabe writer and as a Christian.  How often do I also waste time and energy trying to figure out how I want my life to look when witnessed by others?  I have lived - am still living - seasons of trying to figure that all out.}

To solve that smallish challenge and move on... I have tweaked and merged a couple of my blogs, with my real name and made it very plain.  And I think the subtitle does a pretty good job at capturing the spirit of the writing here. That's what it's all about - my life and the lessons I'm learning and want to share.

So, thanks for taking a moment out of your own day to let me share my thoughts about A Life in Progress...

Susan